Putting the zing back into your love life
By Jo Price
Too many rules, sometimes not enough rules! Being single can be great fun but it isn't easy and it’s always nice to read about other people's views on the dating game.
I write because I want to share the general views on being single and dating. This is not a tried and tested formula.
There are definitely more than ten steps and maybe they should be points as all of these will not apply to every individual. The aim here is to provide a few useful tips and hints which will hopefully help someone make the right decision.
Step One
Never jump from one relationship to the next.
No matter how tempted you are. You need time reflect on the past relationship and resolve any issues that are likely to affect a new potential partner.
For example a friend of mine who shall remain nameless has never been single. Every relationship that ended a new one would begin within a matter of weeks. That was until recently after nine years of being in four different relationships back to back she finally realised that she would never find her life partner until she truly understood what she was looking for.
For too long she had taken advantage of a convenient opportunity. So now she is free and single and spending some time for the first time focusing on her.
Too often I have heard male and females alike say that the best way to get over a past relationship is to start a new one. I disagree all you are doing is delaying the grieving process and using the new partner as a diversion.
Step Two
There is a difference between knowing what you want and having unrealistic expectations.
A number of my black male friends have described first dates with some black women as grueling. Now, I know what it is like to feel like you don’t want to waste time with another man who is going to turn out like the last deadbeat, so we get to the nitty-gritty and fast.
However, if it’s real love that you are looking for why should how much a guy makes a year make any difference at this stage?
All that happens is that you give off the impression that you are a gold-digger. Ask questions that truly matter, find out what the person values are, where they see themselves in the next five years. Find out something that will bring you closer to knowing them.
Step Three
Ok, so you have been single for a while and for the umpteenth time you have been asked out by someone who really isn’t your type. Some people would argue that you should just go for it – it’s not like anyone else is asking!
I would advise against it. Successful dating means setting realistic match criteria. The person may be funny and might able to hold a decent conversation but so can your best friend. If you date someone that you are not really interested in, it will end in tears for both parties.
There was a guy who really adored a girl. This girl on the other hand felt that he was sweet but he would never get her knees to tremble as she just did not like him like that – he was not her type.
He was persistent and finally got her out on a date. They dated for a while but then she began cheating on him. This was out of character for her so she ended it because she hated the fact that she had turned into a person she didn’t even like.
He was devastated and so was she. A potentially good friendship ruined. Successful dating means dating the right person for you. Trust your instincts.
Step Four
Be Patient: This is while you’re on the look out for your next romantic encounter and while you are dating. Think of it this way; while you are single focus on the things that you neglected when you were in a relationship.
I know it sounds strange, but for me my first few weeks of being single I cherished the time I had to pamper myself. Taking the time to get my toes done, a facial, took a girly holiday.
Don’t rush things once you have started dating. I dated a guy once (who shall definitely remain nameless!) who wanted me all to himself within the first month. Said he loved me in the first two weeks and resented any time that I spent away from him.
Obviously that didn’t last. However it could have if he had taken things easy. By being too pushy all you are doing is spoiling a perfectly good opportunity to be happy with someone.
Everyone has individual tempos. If you find yourself with someone who is at a slightly different pace to you, adjust yours, as by forcing them to change theirs you run the risk of pushing them way.
Step Five
Keep things simple and fun! The key thing is to laugh and to get to know your date in a relaxed environment. Slowly introduce them to the things that you enjoy doing and things should naturally progress. Keep the vibe upbeat.
Yes, your last partner may have been a no good cheating son/daughter of a gun but is it really fair to lay that on the new person?
Being honest is essential but be too honest too soon and you will deter your potential partner I assure you.
Enjoy dating for what it is - dating. It is meeting people and socialising and spending time in the company of stimulating individuals.
Step Six
This may be little controversial and in my opinion should really be step one. Look in the mirror and judge yourself honestly. If you are dissatisfied with what you see, how on earth do you expect to impress the right person?
Step it up, get your act together. Begin a regime of looking your best. Join a gym, read health magazines, get fit and start a diet. Get your hair cut or styled and begin a new regime of good grooming or beauty treatment. Though it will not find you a date in itself, you will feel a million times more confident about yourself and confidence radiates beauty.
Step Seven
This is a step which will depend entirely on your values and what your long term goals are when dating. I would argue that be you male or female, never ever make yourself too available in the early stages.
People like mystery and the thrill of the chase when dating. In keeping with this do not sleep with your dates early on if you want them to progress, keep sex until later.
The longer a person is made to chase and fall for you within reason, the more likely that love may blossom. Peak too early and you have little left to offer and emotions may never have had the time to develop.
Step Eight
Find new interest then work out in advance where in your area you are likely to meet people and join gyms, drama/dance groups, anything where you are likely to meet potential partners. The kind of partners you are looking for.
Bars and clubs are good but if you are on the look out try and say sober as Mrs. Perfect by night may turn out to be an extra from the Adams Family by day!
Choose environments that you can feel natural in so that if you do meet someone they will get a true picture of you. I know it’s a cliché but you will not meet people by staying at home in front of the TV.
Step Nine
The Internet is fast becoming one of the best and most accepted ways to meet people.
They call it online dating, but it should really be called online meeting, since you don't actually date until you physically get together. It is, however, a vast pot of interesting people and opportunities.
There are ways to meet people online safely and with great success! Don't rule out any method or avenue, and try them all: speed date, people at the gym, through friends, or online - even family set ups. Do it all!
Step Ten
Be happy within yourself. If you are truly at peace real love will find you.
Jo Price will be writing regular features on dating and relationship for The New Black.
Please e-mail views on this article to
comments@thenewblackmagazine.com
John Gray is the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Originally published in 1992, Gray’s book became the best-selling relationship advice book of all time. with over 15-million copies sold worldwide and translated into over 90 languages. That book was followed by fourteen others, including Mars and Venus on a Date, and Mars and Venus Starting Over.
I use a recurring metaphor in my relationship advice: that communication issues arise between men and women because they don’t understand each other’s languages—almost as if they are from different planets.
Since a first date is where a woman and a man first attempt to learn each other’s lingo, it’s also where many relationships go off-kilter, where the first misunderstandings and misperceptions are formed.
Can these mishaps be avoided? Of course. Let me give you some specific examples:
1. Compliment him.
Let’s set our imaginary date at a nice restaurant that the guy has chosen for the first official date. By nice I don’t mean the town’s very best restaurant, just a comfortable place where he has probably gone and had a good meal before.
If a woman says that her dish is, for example, too salty, she will think nothing of talking negatively about the food, or even extend the conversation about why the kitchen staff is not more careful in their use of spices. If it were two women sharing an evening out, complaining about the food or service is perfectly fine, because talking about problems is a bonding experience on Venus. However on Mars, men tie their egos to the choices they make. This is never truer than in the case of a restaurant that they have chosen. Now if on the other hand, a woman says, “Wow this place is a real find! I love the way they do their chicken….” In a man’s mind, he’s scored major points. It’s as if he went into the kitchen and cooked that meal himself.
It may sound a little odd to a woman that a man would take such pride in the choices that he makes. But keep in mind: he is so intent on pleasing and impressing—on a first date particularly—that he simply cannot separate his date’s approval of him from her approval of the choices that he makes.
This is true if the date continues on to a movie, a concert, or any other event. To him, the experience she has determines how she feels about him and their time together.
2. Draw him out, but don’t leave him hanging.
The old advice, passed along from mothers to daughters, was that, typically, on a first date you should get him to talk about himself. You must have already noticed that, in most cases, that goes against the grain; that as a general rule, men are better at listening than speaking. Now of course, that is not to suggest that a woman show no curiosity about his life or his interests. The point is not to leave the burden of carrying a conversation on his shoulders because there is a good chance that will lead to a series of uncomfortable moments where he is just not sure what to say.
You can see this Martian/Venusian communication gap for yourself. Take a party with five couples. Often you’ll see the males gravitate to a TV set and they bond, mostly in silence, by watching a game together. Meanwhile the women will be busy in conversation over a dozen different topics.
On a first date especially, a woman should not attempt to test a man’s verbal skills, because they’ll come up short—and he’ll know that. This leaves him with the feeling that the date was not a success.
3. Keep it light, bright and gay.
While a woman wants to anticipate carrying the conversation, she should be careful not to focus on negative past experiences—particularly in dating. Males project themselves into situations that they hear about; so when a woman shares her past relationship disappointments, the guy may nod empathetically, but all the time he is thinking, “That sounds like me!”
Additionally, women should not look to use men as sounding boards. The natural instinct on Mars is to solve problems. Venusians share and empathize. Martians communicate with the aim of problem solving or impressing upon one another their unique point of view. That’s why men will so often ask in wonderment, “If you didn’t want my help, why did you tell me about this in the first place.” In other words, sharing for the sake of sharing is an alien concept on Mars.
In summary, a woman’s intention on a first, second, or third date is to be upbeat and positive. Do let him know that he can succeed in making you happy. Don’t make him feel tested or challenged. Whenever possible, do praise his choices, and don’t be critical based on some simplistic notion that “honesty is always the best policy.” Don’t place a boyfriend in the role of a girl friend. You’re not looking for another gal pal. You’re looking for Mr. Right.
The bottom line: Make it an experience you both enjoy.
If you want the relationship to blossom, be sure to let him know that he is capable of pleasing you. Success brings men back. If he gets the impression that he cannot please you, he’ll continue to look for a woman who he can.
John Gray is the author of the classic bestselling relationship advice book, MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.
